from over at DeliriouslyDeep.com
when comparison’s matter: how to look back + see if things have REALLY changed.
Have you ever made a lot of changes in your life in the hope of being happier + healthier? But a couple of years go by and even though you’ve tried a lot of new things + met a lot of new people you somehow end up right back where you started from?
You decide to let go of all the toxic people in your life in the hope of surrounding yourself with more positive + inspiring people…and somehow all your new friends end up being just as toxic as your old friends.
You decide to let go of your draining job in the hope of pursuing the career of your dreams…and somehow you end up in an similar job to the one you couldn’t wait to leave.
You decide to let go of your addiction (whatever that may be) in the hope of cleaning yourself up + getting your life together…and somehow the craving gets the better of you + you’re back to your old ways.
You decide to let go of your miserable relationship with your significant other in the hope of attracting someone who loves you for you…and somehow your new relationship is replaying the same drama from the previous relationship.
We’ve all been there. It’s happened to all of us. We make choices with our best intentions and yet, somehow, we lose our way and end up right back where we started from.
That same place where we were sick + tired of being sick + tired.
That same place where we were over being miserable + unhappy + depressed.
That same place where we were over all the bullshit + all the drama + all the confusion.
That same place where we craving for things to change.
A little over two years ago I was at that exact same place. I was spinning out of control and frantically grasping at anything outside of me that I believed could possibly make me happy. But my restlessness turned into misery, which turned into depression, which eventually turned into numbness.
All I remember is how desperate I was to feel happy again….to reconnect with the girl who would smile and laugh and dance for no reason at all…to feel her warmth, her love, her joy + aliveness.
So I did the most selfish thing I had ever done and booked into a 10 day silent retreat called Vipassana. Not to learn how to meditate (I had no desire to learn), but to escape all the distractions/responsibilities/obligations/expectations so I could figure out what I really wanted to do with my life once and for all.
The decisions I made in the meditation retreat were the total opposite of the decisions that unfolded. I thought everything could stay the same…I just needed to be more grateful and more accepting, and just make a few subtle changes + tie up a few loose ends so it could all fit together so perfectly.
Instead, something told me it was time to let it all fall apart. And so I did.
In a matter of weeks here’s what changed:
I ended my career as a group fitness teacher of 8 years. I was burnt out + over it. My obsession + love of group fitness was over. Unfortunately, I waited for my body to start breaking down for me to really accept this.
I resigned from my job as sales/marketing/HR/admin/customer service/assistant manager/accounts/reception at the gym of 2 years (if you’ve worked in the fitness industry I know you get my job title). I was frustrated + limited + craved to spread my own wings so I could do it my way. I was hungry to learn more + risk more.
I (meaning my ex-husband and I) ended our 5 year marriage. Emotionally but gracefully.
I moved back into my parents house. I chose to take 6 months off work investing my time in connecting + loving my kids and rediscovering who the hell I was.
I unexpectedly fell madly in love with a woman. This felt like the “missing piece” I had been looking for. My heart cracked wide open + loved bigger + brighter than ever before.
But all this was only possible because I started to tell the truth + nothing but the truth.This became my mantra. I was over living a lie and being surrounded by others who were also living lie so I chose to become a truth seeker seeking out other truth tellers who embodied integrity + authenticity deep to their core.
And here’s how the next 2 years unfolded…
Six months later I discovered yoga.
Six months after that I started to teach yoga.
Three months after that I launched this site, DeliriouslyDeep.com.
Three months after that I launched my first ever online event Selfish for 27 days.
Three months after that the slate got cleaned: relationships that weren’t rooted in love + truth crumbled away while the ones that were flourished, and I left the safety nest of my parents abode spreading my own wings as I moved cities and into my very own apartment for the very first time of my life.
Three months after that I am exactly where I’ve been dreaming of being + doing exactly what I’ve been dreaming of doing + surrounded by people who inspire me + empower me.
Even though a lot has changed on the outside, so much more has changed on the inside. For the past 2 years I have embarked on the most selfish journey ever getting to know myself more and more.
From what I’ve learnt + what I’ve experienced, real change is only sustainable if it is accompanied with deep internal shifts. We are hard-wired beings who need to be reprogrammed so our choices from moment to moment reflect our deepest desires. But most importantly, we need to believe that we deserve to have those desires fulfilled.
So I invite you to compare your life from two years ago to right now. Strip back the stories + just state the facts. Don’t included anything that has not happened yet or is happening…this is the real stuff, the hard evidence, the honest facts. What were you doing? Who were you surrounding yourself with? How were you showing up in the world? How was the quality of your relationships? What was inflamed or chronic? What were your fears/doubts? Who were you taking advice from? What was the quality of your health? The more detailed the better.
If you are making true progress (you are happier + healthier) just smile + keep trusting in the process.
If you discover that you’ve ended up right back where you started then know that it’s time to do some more inner work so you can rewrite your story + truly believe that you are worthy of being happy + free.
From my heart to yours, I see you. Always have, always will.
- Thich Nhat Hanh  – happiness, peace, social compassion + reconciliation (aaronasphar.com)
- Self comes first (lexiacherryrelationshipcoach.wordpress.com)
- Three Reasons to Go on a Yoga Retreat. (elephantjournal.com)
- 52 Symptoms of Spiritual Awakening by Karen Bishop (007blueray.wordpress.com)